Well well well... Look what we have here!

I'm actually online- what is this?!

Oh to be busy. You love it, yet hate it all at once.

So here's what's been going on since January. 

1. Work
2. Work
3. School
4. Exams
5. Grandfather

Doesn't seem like much but when work takes over your life... it's a lot to handle. Oh. Did I ever mention I hate my boss? Well I do. Not only is he ridiculously rude, arrogant, and pig headed, he has BY FAR the worst double standards EVER!!! And I thought my dad was bad... that's a whole other story though. 

I have finally had enough. For maybe a week (more like a month) I've been strongly debating wether or not to ask for a transfer to a different store because I just couldn't stand my manager anymore. And I think people were tired of me complaining about him 24/7. But I never wanted to do that in the first place. I blame it on my big mouth. Alas, I did not need to ask for a transfer. He did it anyways. YES!!! And I work full time now too! Where as he would only give me three shifts a week. HA! I laugh in his face. Not literally of course. And now I may even have a second job! Well third if I count me working for my friend for his air brush tattoo business. Costa Blanca, here I come! (I hope!) They might not hire me for the simple fact that I will be out of province for about a month in the summer... 48 days to be exact! Oh I'm so excited! Goodbye O-dot and hello British Columbia! 

But yes. What else has happened.  Well, got accepted into program I wanted, achieved some level of self-actualization. Other than that not too much. Still single and thank god for that. Men are absolute pigs. And I have an interview tomorrow with Costa Blanca. And to be perfectly honest, I really don't want to go. I feel like sleeping in and ditching. Which would be fabulous. But that's really not professional. I will go and come back and sleep. Seeing as I will no longer be going to Pembroke tomorrow. Thank you father for ruining plans that have been made a month ago. But hey, why should you care? I'm a little bitch to you anyway, or so you say. But I wont go there. I feel really angry even thinking about it. 

SUBJECT CHANGE

I have fallen in love. Rooney is an AWESOME band. How I came across them once again is kind of a funny story. I, for some completely unknown reason decided I would watch an old favorite movie of mine. Princess Diaries. Go on. Laugh, I really don't care. It was touching and was totally my childhood dream. But Anyhow, the actor who plays Michael Moscovitz (Robert Shwartzman) is the lead singer of this said band. He is the one I'm head over heals for. But obviously it's just a little fantasy crush. But one none the less. I love why it's called a crush. Because when I rationalize this it crushes me to think that a) he's 26 (but then again, when you're an adult it doesn't really matter how big the age difference is.. as long as it doesn't exceed 10 years) b) he's  celebrity (they are people too, but because of their social status and fame, they do not live regular lives so I can't just go to LA and call him up to chill) and c) he lives in LA. Those are the reasons I am a little crushed. I'll survive though... I hope. He's gorgeous. But then again, so is that gay guy who has his own daytime TV show with other gay co-host. But yes. I'm talking about the tall one with white hair (it's prematurely white.. he's really quite young) it all adds to his sex appeal. 

Well I don't quite know what else to write. Only that if you (a certain person that web-stalked me when we broke up, for like 4 months) read this, I will bash your fucking face in. Thank you for not reading. Creep.

Point Blank

Hello,

Right now I'm not in the best of moods. Why? Well lets make a list:

1. The power was out this morning, so I was half an hour late for work.
2. I've been sick for almost a week.
3. Apparently someone has been using my credit card number so I've been "stolen" 781$
4. My head hurts.
5. I'm bored.
6. My nose is burning and my throat hurts.

And the first three things happened before 11:30 am. Great, isn't it? And to top that all off, tonight is one of those nights... Feeling really lonely. I've been trying to busy myself, rest do whatever I can to change my thoughts however it doesn't work anymore. I'm playing the Sims 2 right now (ya I love that game ok! It's addictive). I had to re install it all over again. All 9 expansion packs I have. 

I've been listening to Natasha Bedingfield's song Soul mate for the past 20 minutes. But now I'm listening to the one song that makes me feel somewhat better when I'm down; Gun's N' Roses' song Don't Cry. It's been my song since grade 7. Takes a while to make me feel better though... maybe a couple hours. I don't think I'll be able to last that long. I'll die of boredombefore then haha. 

So I watched today's episode of The Hills and OH-EM-GEE. Yes. I had to. But seriously, I know it's a silly show but to see other people's pure stupidity generally makes me feel much better about myself. Like today, Audrina accused Lauren of having "hooked-up" with Justin Bobby. My initial reaction was to laugh. You'd have to be on drugs to hook up with that thing. Then I realized Audrina was being serious and so did Lauren and then I was just like woah, why would Lauren do that? I knew she wouldn't because he's nasty ASS. And no matter how many times Audrina asked Lauren if she did Lauren would always answer no, I think after the 5th or 6th time you get the same answer, maybe she's telling the truth, THEN she goes to see Justin Bobby and is all like "well things won't ever be the same with me and Lauren" um... DUH, you kinda fucked up. She's suppose to be one of your best friends and you wouldn't even believe her. Hm, sorry little Ms Audrina but no one is on your side for this one.

Oh well. That's my little rant of the day... Maybe. No, I lied. 

I HATE EXAMS.

I don't even think I want to talk about them right now so I'll spare you for tonight.

What am I to do! I don't feel like studying right now, I sort of feel like reading but what! What do I want to read. I don't know. So I'm not going very far with that.

Well I think that will be it for now. I might write again later if I can think of something to write about... I'm running out of things to write about. You see what being sick does to me? It SUCKS! 

Tata

xoxo

Steph.

P.S. This post has nothing to do with the title.

Peeved

Have you ever read a book that was just so amazing it took you to another world? Made you so into the novel, you didn't see time pass by? I have. Yes, the Twilight book collection did it for me. I know, they are kinda sappy and cheesy and for teens, (well I don't know if you knew but I kind of am a Teen), and really popular, but don't worry I read them before they got this much media attention. BUT ANYHOW. I read all of them, I'm still finishing the last one to be honest, I can't seem to find time to read it... or have the willingness to do so. But today I saw the movie. I don't know what you think of it, but I did not like it all that much. It was quite different than the book... like most movies are. Edward was really stalkerish in the movie, where as in the book it's devastatingly romantic, and the acting on "Edward"'s part kinda.. well sucked. I find it ruined the books for me a little. 

Definitely not how I had envisioned it. But that's just my opinion. It's not like I had a say in the filmmaking. 

Ugh. I really think I'm coming down with a cold. My throat hurts like crazy and i feel like coughing all the time! And it's going to be a long one... I haven't been sick in a while so I knew it was coming sometime soon! I have a shitty immune system so I get sick a lot... and they last too. Too long if you ask me. But oh well. I'm taking my vitamins!

So I think I'm going to go to bed soon. I knew this wasn't going to be a big long post because I'm just not into it tonight. Too tired. But I wanted to drop a few lines because I haven't in a few days. So asta la vista! 

xoxo

Steph.

Game Over.

As hard as it is to let someone go, sometimes it has to be done. Especially if they are trying to make you look like the bad guy. But you know what, I know I wasn't. Dating someone older is (for me) suppose to be better because they are closer to the same level of maturity, I guess I was wrong. Power tripping and playing the age card does not contribute to a good healthy relationship. And experience, experience is not something you acquire with age. The older you are gives you the greater opportunity for maximum experience yet it does not guarantee that you'll learn anything from it. It comes with maturity. Experience does not mean that things need to happen directly to you, you can have 1st,2nd,3rd hand experience as long as you take something from it.

Being told what to think and feel does not help either. It only makes things worse. If you just sit and listen and not be so defensive, you might just learn something. Close your mouth and open your eyes, maybe you can gain some experience by what others have to say. Don't push people away especially if you care so much about, so you say. If you can stand in front of the mirror and count backwards from 10, then alright, but if you can't stand yourself for ten whole seconds, then you have a problem and you need to let others in even though it seems like the hardest thing to do. You should never be alone. surround yourself with people that love you. Especially me. But only if you're willing to work at it.

Everything that was said was predictable. They care, but are too afraid to try and fix it because they have other things to deal with. Well, there are other options other than leaving someone just like that. But I've said all that needs to be said about that.

You know I'm right, and I know you know I'm right. Answering my questions by questioning me, by telling me to watch myself, what are you my father? I obliged and called as was asked. Don't tell me you can hang up like it's a privileged to talk to you.

Love,

I miss you,

but I can't go on like this.

You're dragging out a stupid and confusing situation.

So I want you to live your life

like I'm not coming back.

2:17 AM

Hey everyone, long time no talk.

It is currently 2:18, however I started this blog at 2:17. Not that it really matters haha. I'm sorry I haven't really been on! I have been fairly busy with school and my grandpa being in the hospital doesn't leave me much time to go on and write.. Only at this hour of the night! 

Well I must say, it feels nice to write. I have been keeping a lot of stuff in recently.. I've had "dates" that never happened, either a) being blown off, or b) being blown off. Haha. And it also doesn't help the fact that I still miss him terribly. It physically hurts. Yes, still. The only thing that has been easier to do is mask it. I can tell people pretty easily that I'm over him and that it means nothing to me now but it hurts each time I say it. And I just realized I wrote something similar to this on my last post. And it's been over a week. Getting pretty pathetic. But I couldn't care less right now. It seems, no matter what I do he keeps coming back to me. Like today for example, I busied myself with little things like playing video games and reading and talking to my parents, going to visit my grandfather in the hospital, yet he manages to pop in my mind. I don't know why, I try so hard to keep him out. But he always comes back. It's obvious I'm not over him, but could it mean something else? Or am I just being naive and hopeless? Ok, so back from my little break that I just took to check if I had any txt messages and guess what. I have 4!!! And one missed call. Wanna try and take a guess at who? None other than my ex boyfriend. CAN THIS GET ANYMORE CONFUSING!!!!!!! UGH! I don't know wtf (excuse my french) IS GOING ON. I need answers. GUYS HELP ME OUT. And by guys I mean everyone, not just boys... I should probably use People instead of Guys. 

Great fucking start to a great fucking day. Sorry for my french. I don't even care.

xoxo

Steph.

fuck this.

Where Have I Been?

No where.

That's where I've been. I have been going to school, writing a law assignment (thank GOD that is over), and I have been working and so on. Pretty regular. Although I have been having a tough couple days. I only realized today that I have been single for a month. Not counting. My bad, I know I said I wouldn't anymore! I just couldn't help myself. I was in a time of desperation. Again. But any-who, I am pretty bored right now, so I thought I would do something productive. This is what I came up with. 

Have you ever been persuaded by your friends to join an Online Dating site? I kind of was. Didn't last very long though, not after I noticed that 60 some odd year olds were looking at my profile! Old enough to be my Grandpa! That just isn't right. Well I mean for all you Celine Dion's out there sure, if he's the one go for it but I should shut my mouth before I get myself into some trouble. But anyhow, you can meet some interesting people for sure on there. But let me get to the "why" of joining Online Dating.

Ok so one nice sunday, in the early afternoon (I don't actually know when it happened) but anyway, I was on break with my friend Jess who works right in front of my store and we got talking because she knew how upset I was about my breakup so she told me about this one Online Dating thing that is free that would help me get my mind off of what was going on. So I said well what the hell, what have I got to lose. Soooo I did it, and met some really nice people, added some people, annnnd ya. Then I just got sick of it because you get a lot of creepers and what not. So I said well I think that was enough for me. And went on to delete my account. That my friends is the story.

It worked but didn't all at the same time, I mean it was nice getting a little of attention from different guys, a lot of them really cute, but it also made me feel lonely because they never seemed good enough. I was wrong obviously, but I just couldn't stop myself from comparing them to him. I know it won't do me any good doing that or thinking about it. So I'm not I know, easier said than done, but other than these last couple days I think I've been doing ok.  I mean.. It gets easier to hide everyday. I'm better at putting on a smile, I'm better at laughing.. and not thinking of him as much, but it still hurts like hell. It's actual physical pain in my stomach. It's like someone stabbed me down there. It's not pleasant. Nope. But ya. I know this is quite public, but I know my friends won't read this. They don't know I still feel this way. I mean my closest ones do, but the rest think I'm over him. Oh well. 

Anyhow, I'm done rambling for tonight!

xoxo

Steph.

Boooring.

Yup. Bored.

As anyone would be, I am BORED out of my mind in class. Although, it's a very interesting class (who doesn't love Law?) Haha, but seriously, I really do love this class. But today I'm just not into it. It's break time right now, and my Prof is showing us how to hand in our assignments. He's made a slide show with arrows to show us where to go. He's rather funny.

Alas, break time is never long enough. Do you ever wish you were in two places at once? Or just have a clone in one place and then your real self somewhere else? I do. Oh so very much. I wish I was in Disneyland. My favorite place in the world. Did you know that in the castle there's an actual suite you can stay in? Walt Disney got it made for himself to stay in. Now it's open to people who are willing to pay a lot of money. And I mean a lot. Disneyland is where I want to get married. If I ever do decide to get married. I never wanted to before. But well, things change I guess. But there's one thing that I've always wanted. If I'm getting married, I want to be a single mother. But not until I have a good job to support myself and my child(ren). 

Alright well class is starting. Again. only 25 minutes left though! Well now that you all know where I want to get married, I think it's time for me to say, I better get back to class. I need to focus. University is no piece of cake! 

Write again soon!

xoxo

Steph.