Peeved

Have you ever read a book that was just so amazing it took you to another world? Made you so into the novel, you didn't see time pass by? I have. Yes, the Twilight book collection did it for me. I know, they are kinda sappy and cheesy and for teens, (well I don't know if you knew but I kind of am a Teen), and really popular, but don't worry I read them before they got this much media attention. BUT ANYHOW. I read all of them, I'm still finishing the last one to be honest, I can't seem to find time to read it... or have the willingness to do so. But today I saw the movie. I don't know what you think of it, but I did not like it all that much. It was quite different than the book... like most movies are. Edward was really stalkerish in the movie, where as in the book it's devastatingly romantic, and the acting on "Edward"'s part kinda.. well sucked. I find it ruined the books for me a little. 

Definitely not how I had envisioned it. But that's just my opinion. It's not like I had a say in the filmmaking. 

Ugh. I really think I'm coming down with a cold. My throat hurts like crazy and i feel like coughing all the time! And it's going to be a long one... I haven't been sick in a while so I knew it was coming sometime soon! I have a shitty immune system so I get sick a lot... and they last too. Too long if you ask me. But oh well. I'm taking my vitamins!

So I think I'm going to go to bed soon. I knew this wasn't going to be a big long post because I'm just not into it tonight. Too tired. But I wanted to drop a few lines because I haven't in a few days. So asta la vista! 

xoxo

Steph.

Game Over.

As hard as it is to let someone go, sometimes it has to be done. Especially if they are trying to make you look like the bad guy. But you know what, I know I wasn't. Dating someone older is (for me) suppose to be better because they are closer to the same level of maturity, I guess I was wrong. Power tripping and playing the age card does not contribute to a good healthy relationship. And experience, experience is not something you acquire with age. The older you are gives you the greater opportunity for maximum experience yet it does not guarantee that you'll learn anything from it. It comes with maturity. Experience does not mean that things need to happen directly to you, you can have 1st,2nd,3rd hand experience as long as you take something from it.

Being told what to think and feel does not help either. It only makes things worse. If you just sit and listen and not be so defensive, you might just learn something. Close your mouth and open your eyes, maybe you can gain some experience by what others have to say. Don't push people away especially if you care so much about, so you say. If you can stand in front of the mirror and count backwards from 10, then alright, but if you can't stand yourself for ten whole seconds, then you have a problem and you need to let others in even though it seems like the hardest thing to do. You should never be alone. surround yourself with people that love you. Especially me. But only if you're willing to work at it.

Everything that was said was predictable. They care, but are too afraid to try and fix it because they have other things to deal with. Well, there are other options other than leaving someone just like that. But I've said all that needs to be said about that.

You know I'm right, and I know you know I'm right. Answering my questions by questioning me, by telling me to watch myself, what are you my father? I obliged and called as was asked. Don't tell me you can hang up like it's a privileged to talk to you.

Love,

I miss you,

but I can't go on like this.

You're dragging out a stupid and confusing situation.

So I want you to live your life

like I'm not coming back.

2:17 AM

Hey everyone, long time no talk.

It is currently 2:18, however I started this blog at 2:17. Not that it really matters haha. I'm sorry I haven't really been on! I have been fairly busy with school and my grandpa being in the hospital doesn't leave me much time to go on and write.. Only at this hour of the night! 

Well I must say, it feels nice to write. I have been keeping a lot of stuff in recently.. I've had "dates" that never happened, either a) being blown off, or b) being blown off. Haha. And it also doesn't help the fact that I still miss him terribly. It physically hurts. Yes, still. The only thing that has been easier to do is mask it. I can tell people pretty easily that I'm over him and that it means nothing to me now but it hurts each time I say it. And I just realized I wrote something similar to this on my last post. And it's been over a week. Getting pretty pathetic. But I couldn't care less right now. It seems, no matter what I do he keeps coming back to me. Like today for example, I busied myself with little things like playing video games and reading and talking to my parents, going to visit my grandfather in the hospital, yet he manages to pop in my mind. I don't know why, I try so hard to keep him out. But he always comes back. It's obvious I'm not over him, but could it mean something else? Or am I just being naive and hopeless? Ok, so back from my little break that I just took to check if I had any txt messages and guess what. I have 4!!! And one missed call. Wanna try and take a guess at who? None other than my ex boyfriend. CAN THIS GET ANYMORE CONFUSING!!!!!!! UGH! I don't know wtf (excuse my french) IS GOING ON. I need answers. GUYS HELP ME OUT. And by guys I mean everyone, not just boys... I should probably use People instead of Guys. 

Great fucking start to a great fucking day. Sorry for my french. I don't even care.

xoxo

Steph.

fuck this.

Where Have I Been?

No where.

That's where I've been. I have been going to school, writing a law assignment (thank GOD that is over), and I have been working and so on. Pretty regular. Although I have been having a tough couple days. I only realized today that I have been single for a month. Not counting. My bad, I know I said I wouldn't anymore! I just couldn't help myself. I was in a time of desperation. Again. But any-who, I am pretty bored right now, so I thought I would do something productive. This is what I came up with. 

Have you ever been persuaded by your friends to join an Online Dating site? I kind of was. Didn't last very long though, not after I noticed that 60 some odd year olds were looking at my profile! Old enough to be my Grandpa! That just isn't right. Well I mean for all you Celine Dion's out there sure, if he's the one go for it but I should shut my mouth before I get myself into some trouble. But anyhow, you can meet some interesting people for sure on there. But let me get to the "why" of joining Online Dating.

Ok so one nice sunday, in the early afternoon (I don't actually know when it happened) but anyway, I was on break with my friend Jess who works right in front of my store and we got talking because she knew how upset I was about my breakup so she told me about this one Online Dating thing that is free that would help me get my mind off of what was going on. So I said well what the hell, what have I got to lose. Soooo I did it, and met some really nice people, added some people, annnnd ya. Then I just got sick of it because you get a lot of creepers and what not. So I said well I think that was enough for me. And went on to delete my account. That my friends is the story.

It worked but didn't all at the same time, I mean it was nice getting a little of attention from different guys, a lot of them really cute, but it also made me feel lonely because they never seemed good enough. I was wrong obviously, but I just couldn't stop myself from comparing them to him. I know it won't do me any good doing that or thinking about it. So I'm not I know, easier said than done, but other than these last couple days I think I've been doing ok.  I mean.. It gets easier to hide everyday. I'm better at putting on a smile, I'm better at laughing.. and not thinking of him as much, but it still hurts like hell. It's actual physical pain in my stomach. It's like someone stabbed me down there. It's not pleasant. Nope. But ya. I know this is quite public, but I know my friends won't read this. They don't know I still feel this way. I mean my closest ones do, but the rest think I'm over him. Oh well. 

Anyhow, I'm done rambling for tonight!

xoxo

Steph.

Boooring.

Yup. Bored.

As anyone would be, I am BORED out of my mind in class. Although, it's a very interesting class (who doesn't love Law?) Haha, but seriously, I really do love this class. But today I'm just not into it. It's break time right now, and my Prof is showing us how to hand in our assignments. He's made a slide show with arrows to show us where to go. He's rather funny.

Alas, break time is never long enough. Do you ever wish you were in two places at once? Or just have a clone in one place and then your real self somewhere else? I do. Oh so very much. I wish I was in Disneyland. My favorite place in the world. Did you know that in the castle there's an actual suite you can stay in? Walt Disney got it made for himself to stay in. Now it's open to people who are willing to pay a lot of money. And I mean a lot. Disneyland is where I want to get married. If I ever do decide to get married. I never wanted to before. But well, things change I guess. But there's one thing that I've always wanted. If I'm getting married, I want to be a single mother. But not until I have a good job to support myself and my child(ren). 

Alright well class is starting. Again. only 25 minutes left though! Well now that you all know where I want to get married, I think it's time for me to say, I better get back to class. I need to focus. University is no piece of cake! 

Write again soon!

xoxo

Steph.

From the Heart

Hey bloggers,

Have I mentioned you will get sick of my gut wrenching tales from the heart? Ok, so they may not be gut wrenching but they may get annoying. But hey, you gotta let it out somehow, right?

Tonight is all about imagination. It's about letting go of the past and finding your prince charming- even if he is just a dream. Correct me if I'm wrong, but most girls dream of finding true love. Ladies, I'm guilty as charged. I always imagined that my prince would come and rescue me. He would appear in my time of need and sweep me away to happily ever after. That was my fairy tale. Little did I know my fairy tale did happen, but with a not so happily ever after.

This boy- no, sorry, man- popped out of nowhere when I was in my time of desperation. I had hit rock bottom. And he just appeared out of nowhere. Not once thinking about himself, he did everything for me to get me back on my feet. When I was in school, he would come get me and take me to my favorite coffee shop and sit there with me, patiently listening to my pitiful cries of how much I needed my boyfriend back. He gained my full trust. Yet I never did see him as more than a friend. Eight long months passed by and yet nothing changed. At least, not that I knew of. But what really happened was I fell in love with him. He left for a week leaving me alone and to myself. Which is when I realized what he truly meant to me. How dependent I was of him. I fell head over heals. I fell hard. When he came back, things were different, but not a bad different. I knew that him leaving was good for us because I missed him. And I now knew I wanted to be with him. Until one night after we saw a movie, he walked me to my house and gave me a hug. And as I walked away he gently grabbed me and pulled me back and kissed me. It was the most amazing kiss, the shaky knees and world disappearing around you kind of kiss. From then on we were together. For me, it was meant to be. I felt my puzzle had been put together. I was wrong.

You can now guess what happened next, assuming you read my other posts. Although I felt a lot of hatred towards him before, I know see that he had to do it. Leaving me was not something easy (apparently), but it was something that had to be done. A mistake that had to be made, according to him. Although what is coming next is definitely, 100% romantic fantasy, he waited for me for 8 months. Maybe it's my turn to wait. But I won't let life pass me by. As long as he knows I will always love him and support him, that's all that matters. And of course that he's happy. But that was a given. 

Well that's my story, but it's only the beginning and I can't wait to see what lies ahead. 

xoxo

Steph.

3 AM blog.

Well there's nothing like a good case of insomnia.

After having been trying to sleep for over 3 hours I've decided that I'd come online and see who was on at this ungodly hour. As expected, no one. So I thought I'd write a few words.

If there's one mistake that people make constantly, it's that we are too trusting. 

But seriously, tell me you've never told someone a secret and they've told someone else, or that you've done that to someone. That you've cheated on someone, or have been cheated on. It's in our nature, we have idealistic views in our head that people that we know would never do something to break our trust. News flash, some people thrive on that. Some people live for this lifestyle where you get close to someone to gain there trust to get in  to their lives then turn around and exploit you. 

Trust is something that we need, but how do we know who to trust? 

How do you trust you friends? They make mistakes sometimes sure, but what if they keep doing it? I'll tell you why now, because they aren't a friend.

How do you trust a boyfriend? How do you know that they only stay to get what they want and once they get it leave? This brings me to my next point.

For all you guys out there here's a warning. 

But before I get on with my little rant, let me ask you a question. Why get into a relationship if you know from the very start it will not work? Is it because you just want to have fun? Toy with a girls heart? To practice, to get experience? But then, what's the point? Why start something when you know it wont last. You don't. Unless you are both on the same page, it is ill advised to get into a relationship where one thinks it will work and the other thinks not. Talk to your girlfriend or prospective girlfriend to clarify things. Communication really is key. 

Speaking as a girl who's heart has been hurt several times, guys don't play around. This is a serious game you're getting yourself into. Don't do it if you're not ready. And girls, don't be so quick to trust. It'll save you a lot of misery.

To clarify: I'm not saying don't trust anyone, I'm saying don't jump the gun and trust someone over night. Build your relationship.

Well, now that that's off my chest. I hope no one gets offended, this is only how I see things. Then again I might see it differently when I'm not hurting. Biased opinion? I'm not so sure.

I hope I can finally get to sleep. I only have class tomorrow at 11:30 to 2:30. Lovely isn't it. But that's a story for next time.

Ta Ta for now,

xoxo

Steph.

Day 18.

And no. I don't mean day 18 on this site.

Today marks the 18th day of my being single. How am I taking it? I'd say not too bad.

I can't say the same thing about last night, though. Sometimes a girl has rough days, it just so happened to be one of them. It's not easy getting your heart ripped into pieces in front of you, and it take a lot of time to heal. But you can't let it get the better of you. Which it has been since that ungrateful day. Although, I must say not as badly as the last time. 

My first breakup was a mess. I cried non stop for a full month. A little sad considering we were only together for 3 months. However, when you give yourself fully to someone, things tend to get more complicated. But this time, I cried for a few days straight, then occasionally, then rarely, then nothing. Yesterday was the day I have cried the most since the wound was first made. It was also the day I decided to put an end to this. It was time to move on.

And by moving on, I meant sever all ties. How is a girl suppose to get over a guy if he's always there? Besides, how's he suppose to see what he lost if I'm always there. 

So today is a new beginning. I now no longer count the days, and I no longer fantasize of his epiphany and romantic attempts to win me back. Although they are entertaining, they aren't healthy.

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

And no more boys. For a long, long, long time. And a hint for all, don't trust anyone too quickly. You might just end up getting hurt.

Ta Ta for now.

xoxo

Steph.